BREAK THE TANTRUM & BUILD NEW CONNECTIONS

Consider a situation where in a child is really excited to show her mom something that is too small a thing in view of an adult to be excited.
The child comes running to mom wishing to break the news that an auntie gave her ten bucks (mom doesn't like auntie), she says  "she should have given hundred, I gave hundred to her son".
However genuine the mom's comment sounded, she killed her daughters excitement in the end!
That's a solid ground for breaking connection!
Now, consider a tantrum throwing situation, that could be a plea for connection or a deliberate intellectual strategy to obtain the desired thing. Giving the thing would mean encouraging this behaviour and not giving would mean a complete breakage of connection.
Well, not giving is the right thing to go for, just that you must know how to say the "no"!  This is the kind of "no" that means itself yet is full of empathy for the sorrow the little one is engrossed in.

" just keep it back I say or you get a tight slap" with a dominant pointing finger

could better be replaced by....
"Oh darling I really can't give it to you! I wish I could give it to you" a long emphatic hug to follow!
The child might keep on crying and yelling for may be half an hour or so ( longer so for older formed habits)
You will not believe what connection awaits you.....if you are able to live those thirty minutes of crying with patience!

You might have to face such crying spells a number of times before you conclude to have conquered the tantrum (longer so for older formed habits).
Go ahead and master art of breaking the tantrum cycle. You will soon find a new child in your child, a new connection in your relation and a new confident you who's full of patience!

A plea for connection....TANTRUM

Hey mom, I miss you tonnes. I feel disconnected with you and that hurts me. When I plead you shout at me. I need more of your love and care but you don't seem to care. It seems all that bothers you is what other children do or what others might think. Why don't you ever show your concerns for my feelings and what I think instead?
I think you don't understand me! I feel so alone.
What you call my tantrum is my painful cry! I make you do as I want, it's a toy sometimes and at times it's your mobile phone.... I also don't realise what I actually desire is you! Even you don't realise what I want. I cry for love but I call it names (ball, toy etc). You give me what I name but that gives me happiness but only momentary. Then I keep on crying and you keep on giving in to my outward desires. You call it tantrum, it becomes a habit. I keep getting what I desire but never what I need. You call me naughty and a monster. But does that help? I feel disconnected and now I am demanding a pen. If you know that you shouldn't give me the pen, you are correct. If you know not what to do and how to break the vicious cycle of tantrum and disconnection, wait patiently for the next blog on "BREAK THE TANTRUM & BUILD NEW CONNECTIONS".
Love you mom.

GENESIS OF TANTRUMS

Hi readers, I received various requests asking me to come up with my write ups! Trust me, the trust you bestow upon me is one great factor that pulls me towards writing. Staying away from you all is as much a pain to me as it is to you. For all your love and trust my warmest regards. I apologise for hibernating!
Tantrum is a learned behaviour. Tantrum is more often than not,  an effort to get something than a sigh of grief of not getting something.
It's needless to say that children are all brains all the time. They are fabulous at reading psychology, especially that of their parents.
When Deepu was only four months old, his only way of communication was his cry......a cry for food, a cry when he was wet, a cry for nursing, a cry for staying away from mummy. He grew and so did his wishes and desires. He also cried for the rocking seat, daddy's mobile phone, mamma's bangles, the brand new dress ...and a number of things that are not advisable to be given in the tender palms of an infant.
Deepu is very intelligent and observant, every moment he is learning. He is learning, who, when, how and under what circumstances, will finally hand over the desired object to him. He is observing and carefully noting down the threshold of both of his parents. He knows precisely how much he will have to cry to have it in his hands. He knows it gets easier to obtain things in front of grandparents and guests.
It's neither the "yes" nor the "no" that spoils children. It's the "no that turns into a yes" due to "THE XYZ" that the child does that lays fertile ground for "tantrums" to flourish! Stick to your first "no". Stick to your spouse's "no" too.
Make it a rule. Never let the child lead your "no" into a "yes". Children throw tantrums only because it gives them what they want.
You will notice children throwing tantrums in front of moms but never with dads....they know what works with whom.
It's like playing chess with the world's most intelligent and observant creations.....children, our own children! Tantrum is a learned behaviour and we can send a different message all together to prevent it and cure it too. Prevention is better than cure....much easier too. So just be careful with your moves with the little genius!
Hope this was useful to you all. Kindly put your valuable comments and querries.