A plea for connection....TANTRUM

Hey mom, I miss you tonnes. I feel disconnected with you and that hurts me. When I plead you shout at me. I need more of your love and care but you don't seem to care. It seems all that bothers you is what other children do or what others might think. Why don't you ever show your concerns for my feelings and what I think instead?
I think you don't understand me! I feel so alone.
What you call my tantrum is my painful cry! I make you do as I want, it's a toy sometimes and at times it's your mobile phone.... I also don't realise what I actually desire is you! Even you don't realise what I want. I cry for love but I call it names (ball, toy etc). You give me what I name but that gives me happiness but only momentary. Then I keep on crying and you keep on giving in to my outward desires. You call it tantrum, it becomes a habit. I keep getting what I desire but never what I need. You call me naughty and a monster. But does that help? I feel disconnected and now I am demanding a pen. If you know that you shouldn't give me the pen, you are correct. If you know not what to do and how to break the vicious cycle of tantrum and disconnection, wait patiently for the next blog on "BREAK THE TANTRUM & BUILD NEW CONNECTIONS".
Love you mom.

GENESIS OF TANTRUMS

Hi readers, I received various requests asking me to come up with my write ups! Trust me, the trust you bestow upon me is one great factor that pulls me towards writing. Staying away from you all is as much a pain to me as it is to you. For all your love and trust my warmest regards. I apologise for hibernating!
Tantrum is a learned behaviour. Tantrum is more often than not,  an effort to get something than a sigh of grief of not getting something.
It's needless to say that children are all brains all the time. They are fabulous at reading psychology, especially that of their parents.
When Deepu was only four months old, his only way of communication was his cry......a cry for food, a cry when he was wet, a cry for nursing, a cry for staying away from mummy. He grew and so did his wishes and desires. He also cried for the rocking seat, daddy's mobile phone, mamma's bangles, the brand new dress ...and a number of things that are not advisable to be given in the tender palms of an infant.
Deepu is very intelligent and observant, every moment he is learning. He is learning, who, when, how and under what circumstances, will finally hand over the desired object to him. He is observing and carefully noting down the threshold of both of his parents. He knows precisely how much he will have to cry to have it in his hands. He knows it gets easier to obtain things in front of grandparents and guests.
It's neither the "yes" nor the "no" that spoils children. It's the "no that turns into a yes" due to "THE XYZ" that the child does that lays fertile ground for "tantrums" to flourish! Stick to your first "no". Stick to your spouse's "no" too.
Make it a rule. Never let the child lead your "no" into a "yes". Children throw tantrums only because it gives them what they want.
You will notice children throwing tantrums in front of moms but never with dads....they know what works with whom.
It's like playing chess with the world's most intelligent and observant creations.....children, our own children! Tantrum is a learned behaviour and we can send a different message all together to prevent it and cure it too. Prevention is better than cure....much easier too. So just be careful with your moves with the little genius!
Hope this was useful to you all. Kindly put your valuable comments and querries.

PAPAS DON'T COOK, MAMMAS COOK!

This is a  sequel of "Equality breeds equality". I am extremely sorry as the tomorrow I mentioned in that post came too late.
Eating on the dining table, I realised that the food was not going to be enough for three of us. Mohit and I were just going through the set of options we had, to fill our half filled tummies. We finally decided on making one maggi (Noodles)!
After some "you cook" "you cook" tussle between us Mohit volunteered for the task. As he raised himself off the chair, obvious giggle drew our attention to the little girl.
She said
         "Papas don't cook, mammas cook!"
Both of us were stunned, astonished and mum at her innocent comment. He dropped himself back into the chair to listen more of her concepts. 

The comment was only a start and she had an essay to follow. 

"Mammas go to job papas go to the hospital"

"Mammas cook food and give clothes to the washerman"

"Mammas play with babies and give them a bath"

"Mammas pack my lunch box and papas ready the babies to school"

"Papas give babies ice cream on sundays"
"Mammas give gems on fridays"
"Papas get vegetables from the market"

Mohit interrupted her and asked if Papa ever gave her a bath
"yes"
Mamma ever made her ready
"yes"
Papa ever packed her lunch box
"No"
Papa ever gave her gems
"yes"
Mamma ever gave her ice cream
"yes"
Papa ever gave clothes to the washer man
"No"
Mamma ever got veggies from the market
"yes"

"Well, sweetheart I have packed the lunchbox for you and have also given clothes to the washerman and now I am going to cook maggi for three of us!"

She was listening to him very attentively. Her gaze followed him till he disappeared in the kitchen.

He reappeared saying "So here is the soupy maggi for beautiful ladies and me."

He put more words for thought to our little daughter "I cook well baby, all the works at home are interchangeable, Papa and Mamma work together"
"We both are a team"
  She listened rather deeply.
Silence prevailed while we were done with our supper.

Breaking the silence she questioned "And me...?????"
 We did not understand until she clarified...
"I am not team?????"
Then...
Then what! She got a hug from Mohit which I joined in.
A Prolonged Family Hug (PFH) happened!
Mohit added meaning to it by saying "We three are a team."

She repeated happily in her own version "I am also team and Mamma and Papa also are team!!"

She did not know the meaning of "Team". She was just happy being what her Mom Dad were...
Team!!!

MY BOY IS STUBBORN

This is about Mrs Nair. She came to me with a rather common problem. Her problem was "My boy is stubborn!"
 "He doesn't ever listen to me. He always has to have things his way."
 "His demands are unreasonable."
 "His tantrum has reached heights."
 "His yells and screams are bullets, and I don't even have a bulletproof jacket"
 "I would rather call him a terrorist!"

Even though she was a millionaire, she was all rags and devastated by the terrorist! I could see all expressions of irritation, helplessness and those held back tears.

I remained silent to give her space to expand express and feel more.

Then I saw what I had been waiting for....A ray of hope!
Hope twinkled through her eyes as she repeated "My boy is stubborn; what do I do doctor"

After a pause, she continued with all that she was expecting out of me.
"Is there a way to make him a decent obedient boy, I can be proud of."
"I want him to talk politely and respectfully to me"
"I don't understand why he imposes his requests?"
 "A chain of please begins and theres no space left for me to refuse however unreasonable he gets."
"He doesn't stop crying, yelling and throwing things around until I give in to his wants."
" I really can't say 'no' to him."

She looked at me helplessly and said "My mother-in-law says that I have spoilt him, that her children were never that indisciplined. I should be strict, I am very lenient thats why Arjun, my son has become so stubborn"
"She says when he puts any unreasonable demand I must just stay strict and control him and his behaviours by punishments and disciplinary rules."
"mmmm...." I muttered seeing how troubled she was and how badly she was wanting her boy to drop his stubborn  behaviour.
I told her something that immediately put her into a relaxation mode.."Mrs Nair, Stubborn behaviour and throwing tantrums is quite common, and so is giving into the child's wishes or taking the punishment lane. Whatever you are experiencing is quite common. The good news is that there is a solution to this"
A sigh of relief..... and she asked "Ma'am when should I get Arjun to your clinic?"

I replied "He doesn't need to come, only you need to take a few sessions."

She immediately said "So, you also think that I have made my son stubborn"
Her honest response touched me and I knew how much being accused hurts her and I put the words into statement that cleared her doubt...."The sessions are for you not because you are the cause but because you can be the best medicine"
"Mrs Nair, I would love to congratulate you because you have spared the rod and other punishing techniques"
"We will start with knowing the genesis of tantrums and learn how the behaviour can be slashed without using violent punishing methods."
My next post would be on the genesis of tantrums!!


   

ONLY EQUALITY BREEDS EQUALITY

You and your spouse don't make a secure enough shed for your child! Develop the love between the two of you, only that forms the roof. The stronger your love gets, the more leak proof the roof becomes. Don't create skewed division of responsibility amongst yourself. Being and behaving equal individuals creates a sense of equality in the child that is so so so very important. I really don't know if I am clearly able to put across whats on my mind.
Husband and wife must stay and behave as equals. This needs a lot of clarification and I will come up  with a beautiful eye opener true story tomorrow.   

A PINCH OF JUNK

"I want chips and I want them right now" at 11 pm "now now now"  another repeat "now now now" another and another till you will have to answer!
 Wow I loved mathematics and now I have a problem to solve........God is great!
"This is really going to be fun" I muttered to myself, more of an assurance than anticipation of joy.
Before I decided what to say I actually foresaw the consequences of each of the options.
I was happy that there were no chips at home so the option of giving in to her plight was out of question. Her paratha and sabji (vegetable and bread) meant for dinner were still left. My aim was that she eats her dinner not chips or chocolate or namkeen (snacks) or any other junk!
I said that there were no chips at home but sabji paratha is available.
"no no now now "
"now now now"
"now now now"
Each "now" of hers was hammering the only brain I have.
At this point of time it was useless to describe her anything. She was hungry and annoyingly persistant.
I said " Fine (with forced expiration), lets go to the market and get chips"
All the yelling suddenly stopped!
"We will go in the car in our night suits" I said.
She completely agreed. We got down the stairs and I said "Theres no one here, its so dark and not even a single human is around" She said "ya.. sab so rahe hain na!(everyone is sleeping)"
"yes" I replied.
she went on "It's sleeping time Ma"
"I see"
"What about the shopkeeper" very subtly I brought him into picture
"arey Mamma, wo bhi to so raha hoga(Ooooooops Ma!!! he would also be sleeping)" saying this she stopped taking any further steps.
"Lets go back home Ma, his shop would also be closed"
"...mmmmm.."
" Papa bhi to subah hospital jate hain( Papa also goes to hospital in morning ), raat mei to sone ka time hota hai (night is sleeping time)"
We returned home!
"Are you hungry" I re-enquired. I was happy with my success!
She said "yes"
The next statement broke my happiness!            
"namkeen khayenge Mamma (we will eat ready made snacks, Mamma)"
I took a deep breath and said "Today we will have it in new style Naisha"
"Which?"
"Namkeenoparatha style (namkeen + paratha)..........." she was getting curious!
I served her little plate with two big parathas sabji and a pinch of namkeen. With each morsal of sabji paratha I put one little speck of namkeen making a nose out of it on the face of sabji!
"This is yummier than chips Mamma"
"Really?"
 Then she said what I love to hear.
"Thank you God for no chips, Thank you Ma for namkeenoparatha"
"Oh you're welcome darling"
As she slept away to glory I thanked God that the "now now now .." for chips would never happen at night again. I did nothing. I just let her do. She did, she learnt and she learnt that for ever!
Some responsibility, some creativity, lots of connectivity and a lesson for ever!
The art of peaceful non violent ways of parenting did not come spontaneously to me. Its a learned behaviour. I learnt it and so can you. Drop in your comments below. Specific questions can be asked via email.
email id: olivegreenparentingclinic@gmail.com

WE REALLY DON'T NEED TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS!

It's a festive season going on and Durga mata ( A Hindu Goddess) is worshipped for nine days. A big idol of the Goddess is established for worship and devotees accumulate in evening and do garbha (a Gujrati dance form where in groups dance in a ring using dandiya(sticks)) . Nine days are like amazing! Naisha is having real festive time. Mohit is busy so all the festive fun falls to our favour (mom and daughter). Yesterday after returning from the utsav (celebration) I just happened to hear the amazing conversation between Dad and Naisha.
Dad: How much did you enjoy darling?
Naisha: so so so so much
 Giving a very excited expression, she continued, ".....the Rani mata (Queen Mother) was wearing a very beautiful skirt..." , opening her eyes big "Green coloured..."
"she was sitting on the tiger, tiger had two big teeth that were coming out of it's mouth"
"the tiger was not roaring....it's the good tiger, it's Rani mata's tiger!"
"Rani mata is very powerful"
Expressions of deep listening were generously being thrown by Mohit(Dad)....
"hmmmm "
"haaan"
"oh"
"I see"
Naisha continued " Rani mata has so many hands "
Dad "how many?"
"...one two three this side and one two three on the other"
No talking happens without concerned actions!
Mohit says "why?"
"She is Rani mata, that's why"
Mohit said "so what"
"so she has so so so many hands"
Mohit "...but why?"
After so much of drilling she said " Papa, you are not understanding... she is " with lots of emphasis "...Rani mata" "she has so so so many hands"
Mohit modified his question so that she could understand.."what does she do with these hands"
......mmmmmm.......... she got lost and finally said "I don't know papa..you tell"
Mohit said "I don't know, we will ask pandit ji (Hindu priest) tomorrow"
She said "okay"
So rarely does one see an adult using the power of "Why?" without any fear of not knowing the answer with a child. Usually adults have already buried their "why" and are all set to shun their child's "why" too.
The whole scene was worth a lot of appreciation for Mohit.  He just was being inquisitive and encouraging curiosity in the child!
We really don't need to know all the answers! Answers can be found together!